I don't want to go into lurid details, in order to retain some kind of personal dignity with this, but in spending many months travelling am slowly getting used to the way in which other cultures deal with their method of toileting ...
For those that haven't ventured past the English channel or any further afield than near-Europe, you will not be familiar with anything other than the standard low-level flushing cistern, which sends a few litres of water gushing into the familiar shaped ceramic bowl, thereby washing the unsavoury waste product away into dark places never visited by other than those we pay to keep it all flowing. Anyone brave enough to head off away from main centres of civilisation, had best open their minds and souls, to the utility of whatever convenience comes their way. Typically the first clues that you've moved out into The 'Sticks' bog-wise, will be to encounter the ceramic foot-print with hole in-between style of Dunny. This is the so-called 'Squat-Toilet'. Quite user-friendly and practical in use, though the scale of cleanliness for the public variety, ranges somewhere between barely acceptable and black-hole-to-hell.
I get the distinct impression that the British in particular have something of a sensitive disposition, and would rather die than use anything other than the familiar apparatus previously mentioned. The French are better as they have their own version of the ceramic foot-print as migrated from North Africa, along with some of their old empire's subjects. But one thing's for certain, and that is the English do not take readily to the 'squat'. To discuss this further, they would be positively alarmed to find that in many cases there's no toilet paper. Could you imagine a typical bloke from the middle of Yorkshire encountering this for the first time. “Ere Mavis, coom and loook at this will yeh? Soomwon's gone and poot this funnay lookin thing in't crapper. D'yow think it's won of them diseebled toilets or soomethin? And loook therr, noo bludey bog peypeh neither! Oond ee by 'eck, whoot's this bloomin pipe thing'y doin 'angin off t'wall? Whoot're yow sposed to doo weth that then eh? Wosh yer blooody arse wi' it?”
Personally I quite like the idea, even if it's only from the household budget perspective. It seems to me that good sums of money regularly get flushed away, simply to help subsidise expensive TV adverts where some soppy little puppy prances about chasing a bloody bog-roll around. Then of course we take little care to ensure our kids have the appropriate tuition, to let them know that they only require a couple of sheets at at time to wipe their little bum. Have you ever been into the toilet to check the toilet roll, after a young un's done his business? You can bet your life that the nice fat pink roll you put in there new that morning, has dwindled to the diameter a few sheets thicker than the carboard core by the time you arrive with your copy of The Sun. Add to that the cost of calling out Rent-a-stink Sludge-Suckers, to clear the blocked-pooh pipes ... and you're looking at a small fortune. And I've not even started on the 'save the trees' issue yet ... So yeah, I vote for ... with a big thumbs-up (but not literally) for the paperless bog.
With some little practice I'm quite happy with the arrangement of the foot-print lavvy. But there are subtle variations on the normal Western standard too. In Turkey for example, you'll come across many typically western type toilet bowls, but in most cases will find it has the addition of a little squirty-jet pipe pointing to the appropriate spot. In use, the normal way of operation is to open the valve to get a stream of water going, after which you can bring the left hand into play. It sure gets you thinking thereafter, whenever you meet or greet someone, as to whether their subsequent hygiene's all it could be. I do know that the more that I travel, the more I notice whether other guys wash their hand following a visit to the lav'. Check the finger-nails on the left hand carefully, as there might be a clue ...
Which brings me to another subject, regarding the often non-existent male toilet hygiene of the average Brit bloke. For instance, during the time it takes to complete a toilet trip on a busy night up the local Wetherspoon's, at any one time up to a half dozen or more guys are likely to be seen on a similar mission of relief. In something of a ritual a steady flow of male bodies can be observed heading bog'wards all intent on alleviating that full-up feeling in their bladder, by voiding pee into an individual and supposedly regularly sterilised urinal. The madness of which is that it generally follows that most of these individuals will head straight back to the bar for more beer and begin the process of refilling it all over again. *In most cases the routine's predictable: A manly barge in through the door, purposeful stride up the the ceramics, zip-down, a good bold flourish to extract the appendage, quick glance down to ensure vague accuracy for the waiting stream. And when the flow starts is accompanied by a couple of grunts and maybe an odd fart of evident satisfaction. Diplomacy dictates that the eyes must always face forward and focus on either the paint peeling from the wall immediately in front, or (in this example that Wetherspoon's customers will understand) the news headlines posted in the window fixed above each stall. And finally to the finish; it'll be a quick shake or two-fingered cow-milking style squeeze (anything past three squeezes constitutes playing with yourself), zip up and walk confidently out into the bar to return and fondle the waiting pint once again. What's even worse than the number of guys who think it's okay to return from a visit to the lavatory with willy-water on their digits, are the percentage of blokes in England and other so-say modern civilised north Euro countries that simply walk straight out of the 'stall' having completed no.2, to go on their not so sweet way ... Argh! Have I ever shaken hands with someone that couldn't be bothered to ...
*Any one else wishing to engage in a more serious study, should note that it is imperative to act in a similar blokey manner, by adopting an appropriately coarse & uncultured pattern of behaviour. And it should be stressed here, that on no account should one attempt to capture such activity, using a camera or other recording device openly. The results could well be catastrophic for the unaltered line of your nose. English males you see, (particularly those that frequent such hostelries as described) are notoriously unpredictable. Or viewed from another perspective, as predictable as a rabid Rottweiler ...
As I moved eastwards around the globe, would like to add a few words about toilets in rural Tajikistan. Tajikistan. Jewel in the Crown of central Asia for spectacular scenery. Where accommodation in Home and Yurt-Stays, are usually little more than comfortable or adequate. In regard to the subject of this article the diet needs to be taken into account too, as it is usually limited to Soup, bread and tomatoes, with ever present çay to wash it down. Fecal quality therefore, is likely to variable. Another important noteworthy point is that hygiene frequently falls well below hospital surgery standards, due mostly to the lack of running water or energy to heat whatever water is available. The best that can be hoped for is a small sink fed by a dribble from a 5 litre water container hovering above it. And if staying with anyone other than a fastidious home-owner, would think yourself in luck to have a grimy brown rag for a towel in which to dry your likely to be still grubby hands. Ingested bacteria means that tummy problems for visitors is frequently the norm rather than the exception. This then leads to stool texture somewhere between runny and something even more liquid. And will cease to expand or describe in any further detail right there, for fear of repetition. I'd imagine you've get the point anyway ...
Thunderbox as seen in a Tajik' home-stay up in the Pamirs. Note the addition of tiny pee-holeHappily I can say that I've now discovered the zenith of foot-print design lav's in Murghab, the main but modest sized town of the GBAO district of Central Eastern Pamirs. Considerable effort has been put into the construction of this convenience, in that the foot-print and hole has certain characteristics worthy of mention. The craftsman who made the thing, obviously had a good imagination because of one particular detail. The main 'pooh' hole is an oblong with one end narrowing to a point that makes an arrow shape at one end. But to really highlight the artistic licence of the creator, there is a tiny hole cut presumably for experienced users through which to deliver their pee, while in the act of *defecation. I must say though, that this additional bit of key-hole saw-work is rather superfluous for all but the most accurate of piss-eurs, due to its minimalist dimensions. But most criticism must be that the toilet builder made some rather naïve assumptions based on there being a specific pitch between front and rear voidance points for women. Do you think he did a survey with vernier calipers beforehand? I think not! And to finish here is that further critique should be reserved for the glaring oversight, that male genitalia display considerable variation in both dimensions and angle of dangle.
But to conclude this piece, the thing that demands maximum respect from toilet design aficionados, is that this particular example is made 100% from wood. A material not noteworthy for it's ability to withstand either
the vigorous scrubbing or judicious application of copious quantities of bleach required in order to maintain an acceptable degree of cleanliness. Following this regime would soon wear the toilet out, necessitating it's annual replacement. So it's my guess then that the evident longevity of this wooden-wonder relies heavily on the 'absorption-method'. To this end pay particular attention if you will, to the raised foot-prints in super-rustic styling, with the extra ground clearance to try and reduce the chances of any ungathered clothing soaking up the residue left by earlier customers who didn't quite hit that tiny spot.
*This example only applies to men, as of course women are just as likely to visit the lav' solely for a no. 3!
